I had the two onions, two lemons and the cinnamon laid out on the table along with the jar of honey before I realised that I was missing one crucial ingredient needed in Aunt Angelica’s recipe for cough medicine - coltsfoot ! I was quite out of it. I was also low on lungwort and I needed some agar jelly for my brewing as well so I hopped on my bike and took the road out of town
The Botanica had appeared quite recently on a patch of wasteland that we had always called the "brownfield". The area had been cleared for an office development but there had been some kind if a problem with Zoning or drainage or Emergency Access or something and the offices had never been built and now nobody quite knew who owned the site - or if the Botanica had any permission to be there but if it wasn’t bothering the owners of the brownfield then it wasn’t bothering anyone else. Except that everything about the Botanica bothered the churches of course who declared it a Manifestation of Satan and raged about it for a while in competitive indignation until something else started worrying them and they lost interest and actually most people forgot the Botanica was even there as the willows started taking root and the brambles grew higher
But it was very handy for me as Aunt Angelica’s recipe book called for a lot of ingredients that are hard to find in an Idaho high street supermart.
The business was run by two almost identical brothers from somewhere out of town .... Louisiana, it was hinted although nobody knew for sure or really liked to ask as they clearly preferred to keep themselves to themselves and even in a gossipy town, people somehow left them alone and after all, they were unfailingly polite. It was late morning by the time I arrived and I guessed it was Stephen who was at the counter as I leant my bicycle against the locust tree by the path and entered the store
Are you here for the Journey - he said - you are just in time !
Journey ? What journey ? Good morning Francis is it? I am here for some dried coltsfoot, some lungwort and some agar if you have any
Good morning yourself, Child! I am Francis actually, Stephen is in town. Cough medicine is it ? I hope ... I am sure we do ... sure we do ...we must have ... It will be somewhere back here. I will have a hunt - meanwhile see this leaflet.It is a Special Offer for Today Only -
And he handed me a flyer before disappearing into the back of the store muttering “Never ever EVER puts things where they ought to be”
I knew this would be taking some time and turned the flyer over. It was printed with heavy black lines and coloured in red and yellow, Carnival style, with a festoon of pennants across the top and in fancy writing “ The Journey of the Fool - One Day Only *** Special Offer *** FREE”
Francis came back with a jar of coltsfoot powder, a handful of lungwort in a paper bag and a block of agar.
It was Stephen - he said - Stephen must have put it in the fridge. I keep telling him it doesn’t need to be kept in the fridge but will he listen? He will not. Yes, the Journey! It is very good. A Special Offer, Half price ... Today Only
It says that it’s Free - I said, pointing at the leaflet
Francis put on his spectacle, examining it closely - So it does - he said - Stephen must have written that ... Free to go anyway. Half Price to come back.
I picked up my herbs and the agar to show him I was not at all interested in his Special Offer
How about a Day Return? - he tried again - That would Include coming back
Well, I would hope so - I said - I AM in the middle of making some cough medicine for my Nan and I have left the kitchen full of bottles
Never worry about that. Your Nan will be fine, I know these things and I promise, and I will definitely get you back before nightfall ... And to guarantee that, I will let you take our dog Wesley.
At hearing his name, Wesley who had been fast asleep, gave a yap and jumped out of his basket and sat beside us looking up hopefully
But I don’t want to take Wesley ... I don’t really LIKE dogs - I said. Wesley looked at me with tragic eyes as if he understood, and slumped back to his basket. That is partly why I don’t like dogs, I just can’t cope with being emoted at ... Who needs it ?
He will keep you safe - said Francis - And he will make sure you don’t get lost ... And besides, he needs the exercise
Well ... I didn’t think I was likely to get lost anywhere within walking distance of the Botanica ... I had lived in this one small town my entire life ... so help me ... but I could see that Wesley could do with getting out of the shop
That is called “dog walking” - I said - People get paid for that
Oh - said Francis - Is that the case? Well then, fairs fair and fares fare, you can have the journey for free if you take Wesley
I felt it had all got a bit circular somehow, so I looked at Wesley who looked at me back and then lifted one leg in the air and started scratching and then started gnawing at his haunch
He hasn’t got fleas, has he? I am definitely not taking him if he has fleas
No - said Francis - he has been dosed with fleabane just recent - definitely no fleas. Guaranteed.
Wesley stopped scratching and stared straight at me, with his head tilted to one side
Okay - I said - Put the agar back in the fridge then, until I get back. C’mon Wesley! - and we set off out of the side door of the shop ... Under the washing line and past the out house and the chicken shed and along a narrow path between the bramble bushes. I was more than glad I was wearing jeans or my legs would have been ripped to ribbons by the thorns but the midday sun was shining and there were big winged butterflies flapping around and landing on the flowers which were still blooming on the brambles in among the ripening blackberries. Wesley gave a bark and ran ahead as the path led in among the trees.
I followed Wesley. It was odd - I did sort of know where we were but behind the deserted petrol station there was a place where the ground seemed to fall away as if there had been a collapse into a mine working or something and we were looking across to another path on the other side of the dip
Across the gap I could see the figure of a boy in ragged clothes carrying a bundle on a stick and with a dog bouncing along beside him and the dog could have been Wesley’s twin
Well - I thought - that is not so very odd, that is Life in a small town for you and after all, dogs come in litters and there may well have been another in the same litter as Wesley with the same markings - and I looked down at Wesley to compare them ... But he wasn’t there.
Hey , Wesley! - I called ... and then whistled.... and the boy’s dog looked up and started bounding towards me, followed by the running boy
We met in a clearing.
Who are you ? - he said.
I am Mary Anne Bailey - I said - Who are you ? And why have you got my dog ?
I am the Fool of the Forest - he said
Yes ... but what is you name ?
I don’t really have one - he said - or not one that I can remember
You must have a name - I said - everybody has a name
Oh do they ? - he said - Well, if I must then I must. Give me a name then.
Okay - I said - Timothy
No - he said - you can’t call me Timothy, I don’t like it. Give me a nice name
Nice? ... ? ...What sort of Nice?
Yes ... a nice name ... Something with Prince in it ... That would be nice. Prince something ... Or Prince of something ... Or Prince Something of Somewhere - he said - Go on !
Prince Beezlebub ... then? Prince Beezlebub of Staples? That do?
Prince Beezlebub of the land of Staples, that will be fine. You can call me Prince Beezlebub of the land of Staples and then you can kneel and swear fealty to me and do homage
What? Seriously? I think I will just carry on calling you Timothy then
Okay ... We will forget about the Homage ... Just call me Prince Beezlebub of Staples. That okay? Happy now ?
Happy enough - I said - Prince Beezlebub of Staples, can I have my dog back please?
Are you sure it IS your dog ?
No. It belongs to the Botanica. I am taking it for a walk.
Doesn’t look like it, does it Mary Anne? - and he looked down at the dog which gave him a devoted look back . But where are you going anyway ? - said the new Prince - because if we walk along together then it doesn’t matter whose dog it is, does it?
I said that I was going on the Journey of the Fool and I was following the dog
Well then, since I am the Fool, we may as well go along together on my journey - he looked pleased with himself as if he was some kind of a genius
But where are YOU going? - I thought I had better have some idea before walking off with a lunatic just because he had stolen my dog
Well - I had better go and look for the Land of Staples since I am Prince of that country and they will surely be wondering where I am. There will be Ceremonies I will be needed for
Perhaps I should have said that there was no such place because I had just made it up and that I had just said the very first thing that came into my head but of course I am much too polite so I said - Not necessarily ... there may be many princes and princesses in that fair country
Yes - he said - I believe that is true ... That I have many royal brothers and sisters and that is another reason I want to be back in the Land of Staples as they will surely be missing me in their games
And - I said warming somewhat to the theme - it is possibe that you may be on a Quest
You are right - he looked thoughtful - Maybe I should fight and kill a dragon and rescue a princess or something
More than likely - I said - but this is Idaho
You don’t have princesses in Idaho ?
We don’t have dragons
What’s THAT then ? - he pointed to something behind me, emerging into the forest clearing. I spun round and saw for myself the monstrous beast, rattling its metal scales and with outspread leathery wings like a hideous bat and blinking as it emerge into the light or as if it had just been woken.from a deep sleep. I had never seen anything like it in my life ... Except in books of monsters from the town library
Holy Smoke - what the hell is that ? - It was taking slow steps towards us ... Its ugly claws and vicious beak glinting in the sunlight
Aaarrgh - don’t look at it ! - screamed the Prince - Run ! He screeched and disappeared into the forest
But I stood my ground. After all it wasn’t much more than a foot high. The size of a large chicken really.
It’s a cockatrice - I muttered, thinking back to the library book - just don’t look it in the eye
I’m not - said the Prince from behind a tree - can’t you catch it and bind it or something?
With what?
Don’t you have a lead for the dog?
If I had a dog lead then my dog would not have gone off with you ... would it ? What about your belt?
My belt ? But that is all that is keeping my hose and trunks up - but if you really ... - and he started to take off his belt
No, it’s okay - I said - What do you have in that bundle? Maybe there is some string?
What about your veil ? - He said, and that was the first time I realised I was wearing a sort of princessy dress with long sleeves and on my head was a pointy hat with, oh yes, a long and floaty veil attached to the end of it.
Perfect - I said - Well spotted ! - and I took the veil and wrapped it round the eyes of the cockatrice so it couldn’t turn us to stone which was seriously important as I didn’t want to be a stone statue in some mystery glade for god knows how long and then I bound up its beak so it couldn’t set us on fire with its flaming breath either
Excellent - said the Prince - well done, Mary Anne. Can we go back to the Land of Staples then ? We have a dragon now
*I* have a dragon - I pointed out
Well ... Yes ... Obviously ... But *I* have a princess AND a dragon ... So that is a minor point
What? HOW is that a Minor Point ?
We can discuss it along the way - he said and set off with Wesley up a path among some rocks. I followed with the cockatrice and ended up carrying it because although it was fearsome it just didn’t walk fast enough to keep up
It wasn’t heavy but it was an annoying and flappy thing to carry and I was having to get used to walking in a long dress without tripping over it so when I looked ahead they were already on the skyline - the Prince was shielding his eyes and gazing out to sea and really looking rather like Poldark. Wesley was jumping up at him in a faithful sort of way so I sat down on a rock to rest my feet and enjoy the scene and the butterflies that were all around
Come here Mary Anne - he called - There’s a ship down there that will take us to the Land of Staples - and then he pointed downwards into the bay and posed on the skyline until I had climbed up the rocks and looked down into the ocean where he was pointing. He was right - there was a three masted frigate down below us with pennants fluttering, bobbing up and down in the waves and he was also right that its flag showed the unmistakeable image of a staple. I have always wanted to go on a ship ... have always wanted to SEE a ship, even, and that was never likely to happen unless I left Idaho
An extra huge yellow butterfly flew in with the breeze - fluttered in front of us and then headed out to sea and we were just about to climb down after it when Wesley gave a yelp and then sank his teeth into the seat of the Prince’s pants and I heard the sound of an outraged scream and then of material ripping as a patch of it parted company with the rest or the garment that the Prince was still wearing and Wesley ran off with it - back down the rocks we had just climbed up. Well ... I know I said I was walking that dog ... but honestly, I was happy enough to just let it run off ... it wasn’t MY pants that the wretched dog was just chewing a piece out of and frankly the animal had shown no loyalty to me whatsoever. Good riddance I thought and I would think of a way to explain to the brothers when I got back to the Botanica that their dog
had just randomly gone and I wouldn’t explain about the pants in case he made a habit of it and I should somehow have stopped him doing it although exactly how I should have done that, I don’t know. So I just ignored it all and watched a butterfly on a flower.
The Prince however was furious and using such very bad language about what he would do to Wesley when he caught him that I just had to cover my ears ... I was obviously becoming a bit princessy under the influence of my lovely green dress and pointy hat and I just couldn’t listen to that sort of talk so I picked up the cockatrice in a huffy way and started back down the path ... And that is when I saw that Wesley was scratching away at a doorway that had been hidden behind the ivy on the wall
Oh look! - I said - there’s a doorway in the wall. It seems to be the doorway to the land of Staples ... Look ! There is the escutcheon of a red staple engraved on a yellow shield. Oh ... Clever Wesley !
I know the last bit was a bit unnecessary but I’m only human
Luckily for Wesley, the Prince ... although getting more desirable looking by the hour ... seemed to have a memory span of seconds rather than minutes and he was soon rapping on the wooden door ... Although standing at an angle so I couldn’t see the damage to his trunks
Soon a hatch opened from behind the ivy to the right hand side of the door and a wizened face looked through it
Who goes there ? - said the watchman
Prince Beezlebub - said the Prince - Prince Beezlebub of the Land of Staples
And?
And Princess Mary Anne
Of?
Of ......... the Forest - There was a scratching noise ... The watchman was obviously filling in a form
And?
A cockatrice
And?
A dog
What’s the name of the dog?
The Prince looked blank and then he looked at me - It’s Wesley - I said - and the dog is mine.
The door creaked open slowly on rusty hinges.
You’ve been away quite a while - I whispered to the Prince
No - he said - it’s just down to lack of regular maintenance. I will have the watchman flogged and slung into a dungeon
Flogged ? ... Dungeon?
Right - I said, thinking quickly - I think I just need to nip back and get the agar out of the fridge ... It shouldn’t be kept in the fridge you know ... That is a misconception that is all too common these days ... I won’t be a mo ... - And I headed back down the path ... but not quickly enough as the Prince grabbed my elbow and pulled me through the door in the wall where a flustered herald had appeared and was blowing a trumpet with a flag hanging off it and various medieval flunky type folks were appearing from all directions
Come on - said the Prince - You DO know that was only a joke don’t you ? You had better put down the cockatrice and take my hand ... and to the accompaniment of more noisy trumpeting, we walked together along a red carpet that was being unrolled as we processed towards the king and queen of Staples sitting on a hastily erected dais
Oh Timothy - said the Queen - you have been away SO long ... And whatever has happened to your nice trunks? There seems to be a big hole in the...
Welcome back to the Land of Staples - said the King - your mother always said you were a Fool, but she was wrong as here you are with a real live dragon and a princess that you rescued from its evil jaws
Well ...not exactly - I started to say
What a pretty dress! - said the Queen - it is quite lovely but green is an unlucky colour for a wedding dress so come with me and I will get you measured up for a lovely one with pearls and diamonds and with lots of lace
Nice one - said the King - How about we have the wedding this evening? it’s about time we had some grandchildren ... Can’t start too soon ...
Hang on - I said - What wedding? And doesn’t he have any brothers or sisters? I thought he had loads
Yes - said the Queen - ... he did ... but they ... er ... all met with frog-related accidents ... you know how it is ...
Now Timothy is the only one left so we do need some grandchildren pretty quickly
Exactly why?
Well ... The ship is coming and it will need a prince or a princess as a tribute
Or?
Or ... Or .... The land will be Laid Waste - the Queen snuffled sadly into her monogrammed hankie
When’s the ship due?
Any day now actually
Well ... That will still be too soon for grandchildren ... Even if I was having them ... which I’m not
This is the Land of Staples ! Things happen quickly in the Land of Staples
Not if they are not happening at all. Why do you think I want to marry Prince Beezlebub?
Well, my dear, you Are a Princess. And he DID rescue you
Exactly ... I mean that the rest is rubbish but ...yes .. *I* am a Princess.
Yes and a lovely one too, my dear
I mean ... That is why I am going on the ship
What? No ... You are going to marry Timothy
No I am not ... Really ... I have only just met him
And you are already in Love, it is SO Romantic
No we are not. Anyway ... I am sure that there are lots of nice girls in Staples who would be only too happy to marry him. Handsome heir to the Throne of Staples and all.
Of course there are ... He has been in love with Heidi over there since they were children together ... But it is the Ancient Custom of the Land of Staples that he couldn’t get married until he went into the Forest and brought back a princess and a dragon - Dead or Alive.
Well ... There you are ! He has done that. Now he can marry Heidi. And *I* will go on the ship - I said this with a theatrical flounce of my green velvet dress which, although I say it myself, was rather dramatically effective
If you are going on the ship, Mary Anne - said the Prince, rather reluctantly I thought - then I must go with you
Well ... If YOU are going my darling - said a voice from the crowd who I hoped was called Heidi - Then I will go with you ... Never will We be Parted Again and we will meet our Horrible fate together and be Together in Death ... My Beloved !
I knew I would scream if I had to listen to any more of that stuff, but luckily the Queen saved the day.
No you won’t - she said - you two will stay here and be quiet and breed and let this nice Mary Anne girl go off on the ship, since she has offered. There is no point in making the situation worse than it is
Thanks - I said - And I am taking the cockatrice, um, the dragon, and Wesley. Oh look the ship is outside the harbour already and waiting ... Bye now ... I said BYE!
But the Prince wasn’t listening. He had both arms wrapped round a girl in a Tyrolean outfit
I said BYE very loudly in his ear and he looked up for a moment and passed me the Fool staff with the bundle tied onto the end of it and went back to whispering to Heidi ... and I set off , whistling, with Wesley and the cockatrice beside me in the sunshine and carrying the Fool staff over my shoulder ... down to the harbour.
****** to be continued ******
PS - Of course I had to go back to get a box to carry the cockatrice in - but better than that, the queen gave me her wheelie suitcase and a box of sanwiches and cake
and THEN I went down to the harbour to meet the ship
Anita Greg 21/09/2020